Inedible Reading

Miami Burger, The Oracle, Broad St, Reading RG1 2AG.

All ‘information’ in this ‘review’ is accurate as of January 2019…

What does your brain conjure up when you think of Miami? A glamorous locale full of big-titted and tanned Instagram bikini models hanging off Hawaiian-shirted Cuban people traffickers, all snorting cocaine off the steering wheel of a massive gold speedboat? That, right? And quite right too. There’s one thing you’ve forgotten, though. ‘Plant-based’ burgers. It seems they love ’em there. And perhaps so too will we here in Reading. Given time.

Or maybe ‘Miami Burgers’ is supposed to just sound ‘cool’ and there’s no real connection to the Floridian city. Whatever’s going on, it’s the name of a new vegan fast food place in The Oracle.

Vegan and veggie grub is increasingly edible. We should know, we’re vegetarians (that’s right, so FUCK OFF). Home-cooked food is no longer a problem for us pale and pathetic meat-dodging perverts. And most pubs, bars and restaurants are pretty accommodating now too. The remaining piece of the soy jigsaw really, is fast food. McDonald’s’ morning hash browns aside, there’s next to bugger all decent fast food on the market that hasn’t been sliced out of a baby animal’s insides.

I’M NOT READING THIS LOAD OF HIPPY LEFTY PROPAGANDA BOLLOCKS

Is Miami Burger here to sort that out for everyone (in the Reading area)? We went in on its opening day to investigate…

What they sell: You can kind of think of it as a bit of a hippy Maccy D’s. The main offerings are burgers and fries and shakes, with ‘chicken’ burgers and strips available, as well as hot dogs – with a few other vegan things on the go.

For all the grub they sell at Miami Burger, have a  butcher’s  browse through their menu here.

In their own bullshit: ‘Fast food that’s good for you? And actually tastes great? Yeah you heard us right. Miami Burger has landed in the UK and health-hacked our way to a fast food revolution so you can enjoy ‘junk food’ but still feel clean. Forget the deep fat fryers, the saturated fats and crazy-high sugars. Our recipes are 100% good for you and they still get a 10/10 for amazing taste. Oh and they happen to be 100% plant-based, too.’

‘Oven baked not deep fat fried. Veggies not meat. Healthy sweeteners not refined sugar. It’s a no brainer. Beans, grains and soya. That’s it. We make sure that no animals are used to satisfy our taste buds! Everything we use is sustainably sourced. Even our coffee lids and straws are recyclable!’

‘We really know how to make healthy food taste amazing.’

ALL THESE BLOODY SWAMPY SNOWFLAKES OUT THERE EATING DINNERS THAT DOESN’T REQUIRE HALF A FARM BEING ELECTROCUTED… 

‘Restaurant’ Decor: There are vague splashes of 1950’s diner about the place, but it’s generally a pretty generic and ‘clean’ looking space. The branding’s not particularly interesting or ‘owt, mind.

What We Ordered: I had a single Miami Hot Dog, 4 Louisiana Chick’n Strips, baked fries and a vanilla shake. While my ‘dining partner’/bird had a Double MB™ burger, baked fries, baked beans and a ‘green cola’.

Price: Just shy of £25.

What We Received: A cold single Miami Hot Dog, 4 cold Louisiana Chick’n Strips, baked but cold fries and a cold vanilla shake. While my ‘dining partner’/bird got a cold Double MB™ burger, baked but cold fries, cold baked beans and a cold ‘green cola’.

Number of Mistakes to Order: It was all there. It was just all cold. So we took it back (twice).

The Taste: Underwhelming. French fries are usually fried, it seems, because that’s how you make them taste nice. Baking ’em doesn’t work. These tasted like chips you buy on a night out and forget about because you’re pissed and then warm up in the oven the next day (ie a bit rubbish). The actual burger patties aren’t too bad, but the buns and sauce let them down. The ‘chick’n’ strips were dry, rubbery and bland and the hot dog was small and poorly put together.

The ‘milk’ shake was alright, if a bit watery. The Coke was just a can of Coke (but costs £1.99).

How they handled us taking it all back: Without fuss or argument. The tray of cold food got binned and a new order was rustled up in a few minutes. That second order also had some cold items which had to be swapped out again, but they didn’t question that either. We even got a free bottle of ‘sorry about that’ Camden Hells lager for our trouble.

Clientele: Young people, families, hipster-y types, plus a few people that look like they’d live up a tree for eight months while protesting a new motorway being built.

Service: Everyone working was chirpy and attentive and the manager was on his game, conducting affairs with aplomb.

WHAT WOULD CLARKSON SAY?!

Time Taken From Order To Leaving: Half hour or so. Two minutes queuing, five minutes waiting, ten minutes returning cold food, four minutes poking through shoddy – but slightly hotter – food, nine minutes necking complimentary bottle of beer.

Digestive Impact: Baking not deep fat frying everything does mean you don’t leave with that vague feeling you might just have been poisoned. That said, we didn’t really eat much of it.

Yeah, alright. We didn’t like it. And we’re bloody vegetarians. The place looks alright and the process involved in getting your food and all the rest of it is fine. The people are friendly and the service is with a smile and all the rest of it. It’s just the food…

The being cold thing is understandable – given it was their first day. The wrinkles’ll get ironed out, we’re sure. But is the food going to suddenly not taste a bit rubbish? We’d be surprised. 

This isn’t the sniffy dismissal of a snotty meat-eating type, either. We know what veggie burgers are like and – sure – they’re generally a bit ropey. But there’s plenty of decent vegetarian and vegan stuff out there. Just not, it seems, in Miami Burger (at least not yet anyway).

*secretly eats large Harput mixed grill down an alley*